It Hurt's So Much When I Came To Realize...

Assalammualaikum,

Like the other day I do my favourite past time, blog hopping on my favourite topic “Marriage” or to be more specific it’s “Polygamy”. Weird right, a student and single girl so keen towards the topic even though I didn’t marriage yet and never had in my mind to being marriage soon. It just my mind and heart can’t be content if I didn’t read something about that topic.

This topic gave me so much perspective how we human @ Abdullah (Slave of ALLAH) should look to life. There are several things that I have learnt today and it struck me so much its hurts when I came to realize that:

1. Life is not just wonderful as I always thinking it about.
2. There are lots, lots and lots problems, emotional roller-coaster and fitna out there wait for me.
3. I don’t love ALLAH enough to give up dunya.
4. I don’t love ALLAH enough than those entire people that have surpassed and survive such a great test given by ALLAH.
5. I don’t think I can survive if I were in their shoes.
6. The biggest trials for women and it been a worst nightmare is polygamy. (Reality check, Yes!)
7. There are lots things that I think I know about but it turns that I actually know nothing about it.
8. Life is life. Life is disappointments and frustrated if we put so much hope and dream in it.
9. I hate that I Ignorant and Arrogant. I hate when both of Miss I and Miss A come overtake my sense. I hate it when I want desperately to let them go but my Alter-Ego holds it back tightly.
10. I feel ashamed to ALLAH and everybody that I’m a sinner and doesn't put any effort to make things right and gradually just stop trying to make it right.
11. I feel tremendously and downright jealous toward people that had strong faith in Islam.
12. I always thought that every thing that I do is enough for me to deserve Jannah but, it turns ... ...
13. I was getting frustrated with me, myself day by day.
14. It is really OK, if I doesn’t like meeting people and I like it best when I in my sanctuary of home?
15. It is really OK, If I doesn’t like going to religion sermon and usrah? I like it best when I gain knowledge by reading a book or internet. It is really OK?
16. I hate it when I can’t came out  any suitable and relevant reason to those both above question.

It struck me so much it hurts, when me doesn’t know how I am, what I really want and the reason I Live this Life.

I guess this will be a long journey before it meets the end. May ALLAH grant me a Iman, Taqwa and Patient until me meeting Him. Pray for me please.